HANUMAN Comes Through!
(aka: Reconciling Doubts and the Miraculous)
"He takes incarnation at the time R-A-M is on Earth – has manifested in form – He takes incarnation in order to serve R-A-M. And He is so close to R-A-M that He is known as the Breath of R-A-M, that He is so close to the Formless that He is actually It’s breath. He’s serving It as the breath serves you.” ~ Ram Dass, 1996
What is it that makes us human beings? What is it, when you REALLY come down to it at the end of your life - that makes you who you really are? What gives you TRUE meaning and purpose? What is essential and unequivocal? What is worth living-for and ultimately, what is worth dying-for? Can we somehow fully understand it and can we gracefully embrace it and then let it go when the time comes – our deeply held beliefs of “the true, the good, and the beautiful” (Plato)? Do we have to let these things go?
What is immortal?
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I have a tremendously difficult time trusting The Medicine because I fear the merging with ‘totality’ (the universe, pure consciousness, R-A-M, G-O-D, etc.) and possibly having the realization that my great loves are somehow insignificant in the face of eternity and the ‘grand cosmic scheme.’ In my most difficult moments during ceremony, I often ‘call-in’ HANUMAN (my chosen deity, highest power, and my intercessor with R-A-M / G-O-D) because I feel this great love, this great service cannot be insignificant. I simply don’t believe it. I won’t. So I fight with all I have (Jai Bajrang Bali, Jai Hanuman-ji!) to keep from having all my loves and my service to them stripped from me in the midst of my ‘dissolution.’ As anyone whom has worked with the sacred medicines can attest, this ‘stripping-away’ is an ‘ego death,’ and it can be very terrifying and traumatic. As one of my great teachers (Tim Miller) once related during a rather difficult adjustment in ‘Marichyasana D’ (a yoga asana or pose in Ashtanga Yoga), “It’s like the Unstoppable Force meets the Immovable Object!” In this particular case, the ‘Unstoppable Force’ is La Madre Ayahuasca, and the ‘Immovable Object’ is the ‘energy’ (courage, strength, grace, protection, mercy, etc.) that I summon by ‘calling-in’ HANUMAN. The struggle that ensues is both terrifying and exhausting – and strangely awe inspiring. It’s as if I am witnessing the proverbial Clash of the Titans but the battle is taking place in my heart/mind/body/soul. I have tremendous respect and reverence for La Madre Ayahuasca. It is certainly a maha teacher plant and a great sacred medicine. The old refrain one hears from others in this (underground) community is “just let go,” but that appears for me at least, easier said than done.
I recently heard the remarkable research scientist, Katherine MacLean speak at an event in NYC during which she mentioned a mantra that her team at Johns Hopkins University had developed to assist research subjects suffering from PTSD or existential distress due to a terminal illness. These research subjects were participating in clinical studies for the therapeutic benefit and efficacy of psilocybin (aka: ‘magic mushrooms’). The mantra she mentioned was “trust, let go, be open” and I thought that was absolutely perfect in its simplicity and beauty. There is one stumbling-block for me though, and it’s the first invocation of the mantra - ‘trust’. I have deep-seated ‘trust’ issues that go back to an original wound in my early childhood and I’ve only just begun to understand the wound and the subsequent aberrations or issues. It seems that La Madre will bring-up your deepest wounds to examine, integrate, and attempt to heal. And as I’ve been working with La Madre Ayahuasca, my therapist, my other teachers/allies, and the other aspects of my Sadhana (spiritual practice), I’ve come to realize that certain lessons, certain wounds take TIME and multiple sessions / ceremonies to heal. Over the course of five Ayahuasca ceremonies over the course of five years – and with all the attendant therapy and healing practices, I feel that I am JUST NOW getting somewhere with this stuff (my conscious healing path extends back at least another decade). I don’t feel there are any quick fixes for the deepest, darkest parts of ourselves. Did you expect a quick and simple solution on your healing / medicine path? Did you get one? I truly hope you did. My path is one of HARD WORK and a very slow thaw… so patience dear ones. It takes many different ways to hear and feel a particular lesson - over the course of many years sometimes - before you finally 'get it' - when you finally "feel it in your bones" as Abdi Assadi would say.
The realizations and lessons from my last ceremony have taken at least ten months to crawl their way into my conscious mind. The lessons did not come of their own accord either – they were further prompted and illuminated by various teachers and therapists during this time. Synchronicity is an important aspect of integration and I am humbled by the occasions when / where the lessons find an elusive opening in my consciousness – but only with the help of others. As much as I have the idea that I am alone, The Medicine and my healing path prove this to be nothing further from the truth. The Medicine seems to work IN CONCERT with my teachers and therapists as long as I am able to listen and allow the lessons to come-forth. As long as I continue to 'hold space' for them. I guess this is part of my working through my ‘trust’ issues and a way to heal them. I assume ‘let go’ and ‘be open’ are next on the agenda. Hopefully the lessons will come a bit (a lot!) easier now.
I cannot stress enough that I feel The Medicine works in ways that are beyond our understanding. The synchronistic aspects are but one example. Another example is that I can ‘feel’ The Medicine at times – working inside of me – and I know that when this is the case, that I am ‘bringing-forth’ another lesson or insight from my deep subconscious. As I was taking a shower today and thinking of this post, I had a clear memory of the 1990 film “Ghost” with Demi Moore and the late, great Patrick Swayze. At the end of that film when the main characters were saying goodbye for the last time, Patrick Swayze’s character (Sam) told his love, his wife (Molly), “It’s amazing Molly. The love inside, you take it with you.” Now if that’s not La Madre Ayahuasca & HANUMAN telling me something I need to hear, I don’t know what is.
Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu
May all the beings, in all the worlds, be happy
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