And “When I dare to be powerful - to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid”
Props to the great warrior, Audre Lorde.
I haven't blogged for a long time. I just haven't had the words. They stubbornly refused to come visit, or maybe, and more accurately, they abandoned me for some far-off pavillion...
I am in another state of great transition. Like we all are I guess. It's our time. It's what is.
All my practices have become stagnant and aren't serving me in as powerful and apparent ways as they have so dependably in the past. I've gone through numerous times of difficulty and setbacks since stumbling onto the path, but the feeling of late is like my opening words - abandoned.
I am changing jobs again. I have to go visit my aging and ill parents and help them 'plan' their waning years. My relationship (couples) therapy is seemingly at an impasse. My own intuitive sense of self and of most 'things' has all but evaporated. I'm tired and I've put on 10 or so pounds. And the classic: staring down the barrel of another NYC Winter...joy of joys.
I have always considered 'change' my ultimate play. If all else fails, if things aren't going well, or if the status quo is untenable, I always had my ability (affinity?) to change - based upon my lack of fear - as my ace-in-the-hole. And play it I have. With zeal. My life story is a study in constant change.
Now I've started to notice that 'change' is speeding-up and appears to have overtaken me to the extent that I am no longer young enough, resilient enough, flexible enough, strong enough, or brave enough to re-take the lead. At least, this is the 'easy' answer to me. Audre Lorde wisely tells us that we must not judge or conduct ourselves from the limited and narrow basis of our own conditioned ideas of 'proper acting' and of how we see ourselves. It's the famous Albert Einstein reference as well, "You can never solve a problem on the level on which it was created." Word.
So I finally get that it's not a question of what should change or not change, but of what it is within me that is unchangeable, and how I best bring this into my thoughts, words, and actions.
"It's all about love" ~ Terence McKenna