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The Eye of the Needle

I recently spent some time with another of my most important teachers of late – Darlene Van de Grift. I always look forward to seeing her and at the same time realize that I’ve still got a lot of work to do and a long way to go, so there is always a little sadness followed by depression. I’ve also been working in a corporate environment again, so I guess I feel a little depleted due to my old nemesis. I just don't seem to work well in that environment - on so many different levels. Or maybe it’s that I’ve been listening to the renowned Advaita sage Ramesh S. Balsekar of Mumbai, India speaking of free will, destiny, non-duality, etc. His words have been in my mind for a couple of weeks now, so carrying around his concept (THE concept) in my head and turning it over-and-over is tiring. I think it’s when trying to integrate something that you might just begin to grasp intellectually – but cannot totally, or within your heart - that you can become literally exhausted. Then there’s the bitter, unrelenting New York City winter. Then there are all my other issues: lack of money, struggles with work, struggles in personal relationships, struggles in my Ashtanga practice, struggling in the relationship I have with myself, etc. Ultimately, this all represents one thing - my struggle with my place in this world.

Another teacher of mine, Abdi Assadi, recently published a book called Shawdows on the Path and it is a powerful and essential study on the pitfalls of the so-called spiritual path and the irrepressible shadow archetype as describe by Carl Jung. With his guidance and that of my other teachers, I’ve come to realize that we have multiple paths in this life and just because we may believe we’re on a spiritual path, this does not alleviate the necessity to do the extremely hard work on the others – particularly the psychological and therapeutic. I must admit that I am someone who believed that if I ‘got far enough along’ the spiritual path, that this process would somehow serve to mitigate all my faults and issues. Ironically enough, my spiritual seeking just became yet another issue to add to the list!

I often wonder why I am the way I am and why my life is the way it is. On one level, I completely understand (and accept intellectually) that this is all God’s will. On another level I see that I’ve got work to do and try to do it to the best of my ability. If I am depressed or if something doesn’t go according to my grand scheme, I often find myself in the place ‘between’. Actually, I often find myself in this place no matter my emotional state. It’s as if I’m caught between God’s will and my own mind. And letting go or ‘letting God’ as some might say has never been my way. I had for many years – all my life – believed that by my sheer force of will, I could make things ‘right’. The tragedy is that we believe that we’re in control when in fact we’re flailing through life desperately trying to grasp something that will allow us a measure of sure-footing. This is the ‘seeking’ part of our nature. At this step on my long and winding road, I’m mostly interested in the ‘finding’ part, because I’ve found that the ‘seeking’ doesn’t seem to work.

It’s these diametrically opposed points of view (God’s will and Individual doer-ship or free will) that I’ve been preoccupied with since returning from India. And it’s as if the argument in my mind is becoming more-and-more concise, or worn-down to a fine edge or line between these two opposites. Call it the razor’s edge or a sort of middle way according to Buddhism. My trouble with the ‘enlightened’ perspective of ultimate non-duality (God’s will) is that it doesn’t help me get through the day per se. It appears only good for meditations on suffering and death where I need to be able to grasp the ‘gestalt’ of all things. Now I’m oversimplifying the Advaita concepts and my understanding and the daily application of them, but you get my point.

I am struggling right now. And these struggles span all aspects of my life. The knowledge that God is experiencing through me an aspect of duality and inter-human relationships as a separate ego entity with the idea of personal doer-ship does not help alleviate my very immediate suffering. At the end of the day they all become interesting words and fascinating concepts – but they do not pay the bills, build a future, heal a relationship, heal me, etc.

I’ve come to believe that the psychological work (or path) is absolutely necessary for us to progress at all along the spiritual. I recently discovered a talk given by Ann Shulgin regarding her work in psychotherapy in dealing with the shadow. The context was the use of hypnotherapy, MDMA and 2C-B, before these drugs were scheduled by the Federal Government. Her detailed explanation of the shadow and how she came to help bring it into consciousness in psychotherapy practice is compelling – even if the use of MDMA and psychedelics puts you off.

More-and-more I am realizing how this shadow aspect of my unconscious mind wreaks havoc in my conscious or waking life – through projections of our shadow selves onto others. I am not whole. I have shunted-off vital parts of myself and in doing so, became a fractured person. I think we’re all fractured to an extent - unless you’ve done the work necessary to fully integrate. Often in the spiritual and yoga community there is talk of ‘being authentic’ and I feel that this miss-used platitude's true meaning isn’t fully explored. Denial is a powerful, addictive pattern in our lives and the work necessary to open one’s eyes to the subtleties of your own shadow is not easy. If anything, this process is at the very least, daunting and monumental.

As Ann Shulgin so eloquently related, coming to face and accept your shadow is probably the most difficult and brave thing one can do in one’s life. I am not completely sure how best to do this in my own experience. It’s a unique and individual pursuit in every case – of this I am convinced. For me, I am compelled in several directions - individual and couples psychotherapy, deep-tissue body work like Rolfing or KMI, a disciplined yoga practice, work with skilled ‘alternative’ therapists/teachers and the path of indigenous, shamanic healing. Your direction or list would probably look much different.

Darlene said to me, “The universe is trying to force you into conformity - forcing you through the eye of the needle.” Of course ‘conformity’ is one of my hot-button words and issues and I reacted defensively. I now see that the metaphor is appropriate. I need to fully integrate all aspects of my conscious and unconscious mind in order to become myself fully. As I do this fundamental work, I am able to become the integrated thread or stream that flows through my life – and through grace.

You must seek and find your own path to heal and integrate your shadow. It’s probably the most important thing you’ll ever do.

OM shantih,

~b

PS – I’m almost finished completely re-designing DharmaBuilt.com and there I hope you’ll find content and links that may help you along your own path(s).

Re-Entry

“I guess it’s time for me to abide in faith”. These words from “The Dark Night of the Soul” by Gerald G. May, M.D. really struck a cord with me. The context is when you are undergoing a ‘spiritual crisis’ of sorts – when you ask yourself if you believe in anything anymore or even care about it. I think we are so caught-up in the need for results or the need for clarity that we often fail to see the wisdom in the uncertainty. This great book talks about the ‘darkening’ of our senses, perceptions, intellect, intuition and soul in terms of divine ‘obscurity’. It is in the obscurity of our lives that God is doing his greatest work in us and through us. This must happen at a level that is inaccessible to us, obscure to us – to the ego – in order to allow for the miraculous to happen. We simply get in the way of grace and the ‘darkening’ or obscuring is the way in which God makes it ‘safe’ for our passage – otherwise we wouldn’t go where it is we have to go.

I have been questioning everything these last few years. My relationships, my family, my work, my decisions, my values, my faith, my yoga practice, my teachers, my ideas, etc. Sometimes my frustration with one or all of these facets of my life leaves me in a place of despair. Why can’t I seem to ‘get better’? Why doesn’t my life ‘improve’? Why is everything difficult? Why are my decisions all crap? How can I find peace? Why won’t God talk to me?

Then, in a moment of ‘alignment’ (grace?) everything appears to be fine – perfect even. I experienced such a moment a couple of weeks ago at an ashram in southern India. I was at the nightly puja in the magnificent Hanuman temple. Swami-ji was chanting something beautiful in the background and the Pundit was performing the ritual for blessings in the inner temple and tears just started rolling down my face. The moment was exquisite. The moment was pure beauty and that indescribable mix of joy and sorrow. Joy for the ‘perfect’ moment and sorrow for the knowledge that the moment wouldn’t last.

I was blessed to have been able to spend three weeks in Mother India. It was my first trip there but it most certainly won’t be my last. It’s as if I found another home-away-from-home in as much as Encinitas, CA was (is) for me – as I related in a previous posting. The Dharmikam Ashram is a very powerful and beautiful place and Swami-ji (Guru) Hanuman Das (Balachandran Nair) is a great, fierce man of God. A true warrior sage and healer. To witness his life’s work (the Dharmikam Ashram), his unconditional love and sense of duty, everyone's love of him, the healing work (Kalarichikilsa), the Indian children learning Kalaripayattu, the indescribably beautiful Hanuman Temple, the villagers, the staff and workers, the volunteers, the humbling devotion, the disciples, the other visiting westerners, etc. is a very moving experience and leaves one feeling very blessed to have been a part of it - if even for a short period of time. And the poverty of the people and the area (and the country) makes you count your blessings and be grateful for having been born an American. Yes, gratitude is one of the principal lessons that the Guru and the ashram teach.

The ashram is quite small – currently seven rooms for visitors – but this is what makes it so special. I feel as if I’m one of the lucky few that have been able to spend time with Master (Swami-ji) while the ashram is still small. Who knows what the future will bring? I’m just not someone who goes for the large ‘crowd’ or organization. So I feel very fortunate to have found my way to him – perhaps before he is ‘discovered’ by a larger audience. While a visit to a large ashram with hundreds if not thousands of other devotees may be a special experience of its own kind, I prefer an intimate situation.

Now I am back in New York City. It made the change to winter while we were gone. So coming back means many adjustments – a different practice, different clothes, different food, different pace, different season, different energy, different me, etc. I decided to quit my job. I’m tired of living in fear and holding onto something (a miserable something) just for fear of losing it (especially a paycheck). I want to live a life where fear isn’t a factor in my decisions. I want to live a life where love is the universal factor and the motivating force. I don’t know what’s next for me. I have lots of ideas but no planned steps. The path ahead is obscure. I guess it’s time for me to abide in faith.

OM Shantih,

~b

PS – I’ll try to post my India photos gallery ASAP. It’ll be on DharmaBuilt.com

Burn away that which does not serve me

It’s my new mantra, but with it comes a certain amount of trepidation. Often personal and spiritual growth comes as a result of upheaval or drastic change. I can honestly say that my own ‘growth trajectory’ always shot up after first having various circumstances of my life plummet or fall apart. A loss, a break-up, a breakdown, an injury, a realization of a long-standing denial, suffering the consequences of shameful behaviors, uncertainty around work or income, catastrophe, tragedy, etc. Why is this? Why must we suffer so much before having a moment of clarity? My own personal metaphor/vision is that of being in the prizefighting ring and having the living shit beaten out of me by some colossus (Mike Tyson in his prime comes to mind) – only to keep staggering to my feet to defiantly offer-up my chin for the next blow. It has taken me years to understand that this is another of my own self-imposed conceptual models that manifests itself to my unconscious bidding. Once again Abdi Assadi helped me recognize my own twisted masochism in this. Who is this person that takes, no, WILLS and even WISHES the beating in the first place?

Why not envision another way? Why not become your own proverbial phoenix and simply burn away those ideas of ‘necessary suffering’ as well? With Abdi’s help I’ve recognized in myself something that is so prevalent in Western society – self-loathing. It permeates our being (and society) to the very core and we have been force-fed this idea that we must suffer in order to ‘get somewhere’ – in order to break free – in order to become a ‘better’ person – in order to finally accept ourselves as who we truly are. No pain, no gain. Bullshit.

It’s fear. We hold onto even our ‘suffering’ in the midst of the mystery or possibility of something else – something different – something unknown. Sometimes I feel that I would rather hold onto something ‘bad’ as opposed to not having that something to hold onto at all. Fear of the unknown is a very fundamental thing. Fear of the possibility of even more suffering – but unfortunately it’s that very fear that keeps us trapped and ultimately keeps us from the possibilities of true freedom.

I have been living in fear for most my life. This has been a very recent realization. I had often thought that I was a fearless man. I’ve faced harrowing circumstances, often just to ‘test’ myself – to face my fears, but I now know that these were distractions for the ego. Smoke and mirrors. My most harrowing ordeals simply stare back at me from the bathroom mirror every day. They lurk at the base of every breath I take and reside in the tension I carry in my hips and shoulders. What would it mean to really live in the moment without fear? What would it mean to not continually grasp at the future with greedy, clawing fingers hoping to ‘get something’ that will satisfy us to the extent that we’re at peace with ourselves in our lives?

Sometimes it is in the letting go that we actually gain the most. For me it’s the letting go of the fear of being alone, the fear of never having enough, the fear of never being able to take care of myself, the fear that I’m not good enough, the fear that I’m in the wrong place, the wrong time, for the wrong reasons, the fear that my decisions are all crap - all ultimately based upon the fear of dying. As Abdi told me, it’s like you’re holding onto something so hot it’s burning you – but you refuse to drop it because you’re afraid to. And for what? So burn me then. Burn me until I drop you. Burn me clean. Forge me anew. Cleanse me. Heal me. Free me!

We can’t have a conditional relationship with God. We can’t pray for healing, clarity, peace, abundance, love, etc. and yet have the conscious (or unconscious) desire to hold onto the things that keep us from having all that in the first place - blindly hanging onto some dysfunctional status quo. Just as the prayer in the last posting says, we must surrender our fears – we must surrender EVERYTHING to God and the universe. Offer-up yourself to the fire (or the light if that’s easier for you) of purification so that you can finally live a life without fear.

To live such a life would be a wondrous thing.

OM Shantih,

~b

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